Just tell me what I need to do - The invisible labour
We call the mental load invisible labour because that’s exactly what it is. You won’t see it; but you’ll feel it. The incessant humming of to-do lists and reminders in the back of your mind. The tossing and turning in bed. The inability to focus on one task at a time because you’re planning a million more in your mind. You might even praise yourself for this burdensome behaviour in the name of multi-tasking or planning ahead.
This is the mental load. It’s not so much about the physical tasks like cleaning the house, having the lunches ready, dropping off and picking up the kids at school, attending meetings, meeting deadlines. It’s the cognitive load of making sure that even the tasks you’ve delegated to someone else are being completed. It’s the role of management that you didn’t sign up for but also recognise that without it, no one else will step into.
What does it look like?
We see this invisible labour particularly in household dynamics. However, this could also be present at work or any other environment in which you are in cooperation with other people. In household dynamics, we see it especially fall onto the shoulders of women, but that’s not to say that men don’t experience it either.
Your partner might take the bins out every week - but do they always ask you whether it’s the green or yellow bin?
Your partner might do the washing - but who needs to make sure there’s always enough laundry detergent?
You and your partner both agree that spending time with friends is important. When they go out, they let you know. When you go out, you ask if they can watch the kids. In fact, you might even prepare dinner before you leave the house.
The mental load gets dangerous because it strains our relationships and perpetuates the idea that one person is responsible for overseeing the management of the house. The excess stress, almost guaranteed burnout, and feeling like you’re overcompensating in keeping the house running is not a healthy mindset to live in.
How can I help lighten the load?
If you’re reading this blog and finding that you might be the one lucky enough to not bear the invisible labour, here’s how you can lighten the load.
1. Turn the default setting off
Instead of asking, “What do you need me to do?” taking initiative lightens the load. Asking your partner what needs to be done perpetuates the management role they’ve unintentionally been placed in and tells them they are still responsible for delegating the task. Telling them the chore you’ll be picking up, rather than asking is a great place to start.
2. Notice the unnoticed
Ever wondered how the dirty socks on the floor end up washed and dried in your drawer? It’s not magic - it’s the invisible load that you aren’t carrying. Learn to notice the things you don’t think about but always seem to get done.
3. It’s not just about doing, it's about planning
The weight of the mental load is hardly about the task itself and largely about the mental capacity it takes to notice and keep track of it. Take on full responsibility for the task, not just “helping” with them.
To everyone carrying the weight of invisible labour, I encourage you to relinquish control. You don’t have to do it all at once, but allow your partner to show you that the load doesn’t have to be all yours to carry. Carrying less comes with sharing more.
With warmth and encouragement,
Ruchi