Unpacking the weight of mother's guilt
Motherhood is a significant transition in life. It’s the moment in which we decide to give our children the best possible life we can offer them, often learning from our own childhood experiences. When one thing goes slightly awry, we panic.
I shouldn’t have snapped at him like that.
How will she cope when I go to work?
Is she getting enough sleep?
What if I’ve done something wrong?
Mother’s guilt is a feeling rooted in shame and judgemental self-perception. Of course, it is normal to feel guilty for snapping at our children or feeling slightly worried about how they will react to you being away from home at work. However, mother’s guilt refers to the long-term shame of being a “bad” mum because of what you have or have not done. This shame-driven judgement mothers place on themselves may be common, but it is also incredibly damaging to their mental health.
Where does mother’s guilt come from?
It should come as no surprise that much of mother’s guilt is a product of societal standards and expectations that we internalise. Whether it’s about breastfeeding, sleep training, daycare arrangements, or any of the countless other aspects of parenthood we need to consider, society has something to say. When mothers internalise these ideals, they don’t notice how unattainable or even healthy it can be. For example, the shame around mothers returning to work after maternity leave or leaving fathers to “babysit” whilst they take a trip is all rooted in the impossible ideal that mothers need to be self-sacrificing, emotionally available robots that do not exist outside of motherhood.
When this societal pressure clashes with what someone is outside of motherhood, the emotional burden weighs heavy.
Dealing with guilt
As with most emotions, guilt is not an enemy. If we take the time to be present with the guilt, many times we’ll find that it is telling us something about how we perceive ourselves. Why do you feel guilty returning to work? Why do you feel guilty after snapping at your child during a stressful moment? Why are you holding yourself to standards of perfection that cannot be reached?
Unchecked and disproportionately severe guilt is not healthy. It leaves mums more susceptible to anxiety, depression, and burnout. Here’s how you can manage it.
Check the evidence: Is your guilt grounded in realistic or unrealistic expectations?
Practice self-compassion: As with any other aspect of life, we cannot get far by villainising ourselves. If you spend the time battling yourself, you will not have the opportunity to grow forward. Motherhood is hard; you are not a “bad” mum for finding it difficult
A problem shared is a problem halved: Many of the ideals we think we need to reach are internalised societal expectations. Sharing these internal battles with trusted friends and family can give us some clarity into raw, real motherhood where perfection isn’t part of the plan!
Mother’s guilt is a universal experience, but we shouldn’t mistake it for something mothers just need to push through. With the help of supporting parents, trusted friends and family, and challenging beliefs of our internalised expectations, we can better support all mothers.
With warmth,
Ruchi