Rupture, repair, and relational resilience
No parent is perfect. I’m sure we can all look back on a particular incident where we experienced a significant disconnect with our parents that has stuck with us to this day. For some, this can be to a severe extent, and for others, it might not be. Nevertheless, the relationship you have with your parents/caregivers is a reflection of the cycle of disconnect and re-connection throughout your life. Often known as the rupture and repair cycle, when the latter does not follow, it can have a significantly negative impact, not just between parent and child, but also in other relationships we are a part of.
What is a rupture?
A rupture occurs when the emotional safety between a parent and child is interrupted. This can range from minor frustrations to major conflicts that leave either one or both parties upset. Children have different capacities of understanding and handling emotional conflicts. Whether it’s a tantrum during breakfast, or bedtime negotiations, a slammed door or raised voice isn’t entirely unexpected. A misunderstanding or disconnection between a parent and child has the ability to cause significant distress to the child. If this is met with the silent treatment or a lack of apology, it negatively impacts the development of relational intelligence.
The role of repair
The truth is, complete harmony at all times is not attainable, nor should it be a primary focus in parenting. In many cultures, there is an underlying expectation that children should be agreeable; obeying their parents and meeting any expectations that have been set. However, there is great harm in this. Firstly, it restricts a child’s freedom to explore their identity and the world outside of what their parents’ inner world shows them. Secondly, in moments of conflict, many children may just submit to their parents, harbouring resentment that inevitably harms the relationship beyond the minor disconnect.
Repair is not always about returning to the state before the conflict arose. For example, if a disconnection arises when you raise your voice, telling your child they must pack away their toys for the day, the process of repair should not be to submit to your child and ignore their bedtime. Rather, conscious repair may include acknowledging your child’s desire to keep playing, the distress caused when you raised your voice, and a compromise that acknowledges both sides. Effective repair always begins with acknowledgement.
No matter how attuned a parent is to their child, missteps can still occur. We’re all human, and being a parent does not make you immune to your own emotional dysregulation at times. What’s important is the active commitment to repair a rupture, not to avoid a rupture from ever occurring.
The long-term impact
Consistent repair fosters great emotional and relational intelligence in children. We teach them that:
Conflict is normal
Disconnection does not mean abandonment
Relationships can recover from mistakes
For the parent reading this: Let this be your sign that a disconnection between yourself and your child does not make you a bad parent. The very desire to be a good parent puts you on the path to being one. No family is free of conflict and misunderstandings. In fact, the older your children get, the greater the conflicts may be. The key skill isn’t to battle the inevitable conflicts that arise, but to notice when a rupture has occurred and work with your child to repair.
For the inner child reading this: Maybe you didn’t experience this consistent repair in your childhood and now the ruptures echo in other relationships. Perhaps you expect abandonment when an argument breaks out, don’t trust apologies, or feel unworthy of reconciliation. Let this be your sign that healing these relational wounds comes from first acknowledging that you are seeking the repair that you were not offered. It’s never too late to offer yourself understanding and compassion. And for some, the first step to this may be reaching out to seek support with a trusted professional.
Moments of rupture are unavoidable, but efforts to repair are crucial. By reconnecting, parents teach their children that love isn’t about avoiding conflict, it’s about finding your way back. And this lesson is a gift that sticks with them well into adulthood.
With warmth,
Ruchi.